I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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