i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
