By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
