I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Randomize
