I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
