Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
