when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
