so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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