i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
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My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
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Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
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