I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
