I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Randomize
