My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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