I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Randomize
