You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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