I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
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