I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
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