My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
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He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
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It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
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