she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
