I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Randomize
