I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
