Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
I looked at my own cervix.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
