i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
