Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
