sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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