My liver just broke up with me...
We need to rekindle our bromance
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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