i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Randomize
