IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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