how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
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