I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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