I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Randomize
