If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Randomize
