I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Randomize
