His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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