Is it normal to miss your booty call?
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
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