i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
and the mascot is a pinecone. its really no surprise that people here dont get laid
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
