is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
