I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
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