saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Randomize
