my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
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