Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
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