My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
