Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Randomize
