He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
