you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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