I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
Randomize
