My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
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