Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
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