Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
My butt remains clenched, sir.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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