We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
