I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Randomize
