I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Randomize
