My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
