Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Randomize
