Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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